SW: 137 CW: 125 GW: 100 UGW: 95 LW: 79
8 months in treatment, 18 months recovered, and back again.
one large coffee with SF syrup
and my weight went up since yesterday. what the real, actual fuck.
one coffee with SF vanilla and splash cream (20)
1/2 an apple (80)
shiritaki noodles w/ lime and curry paste (100)
2 mile walk
1 hour workout
I feel OK. Might have a glass of wine and some walden’s later. i’m home alone tonight i feel like being disgusting but hopefully i won’t. i was 123 when i got home i will be so sad if i’m more than that tomorrow.
Was 124 last night, which is 13 less than where I started and 24 away from where I need to be. I feel good about that, finally being on a path feels good. I don’t look great, though. It’s hard to find the time to work out. I’m sipping a v8 right now and about to go to my last class. I’m going to try to work out afterwards, maybe it’ll help fix my sad crash and get me to 120 by Friday, which was my goal. I think I can do it, I really do.
i never want to forget this ugly, ugly ugly feeling. i hate myself and my life more deeply than i have in a long time. i feel ugly and deeply unwanted. i am ugly and deeply unwanted.
ran 6 miles, ate nothing. shared a big bottle of wine with my boyfriend and all i want to do is cry all night. lost 13 pound as of today and i don’t even feel happy about it. i want to scream about how fucking terrible i feel but everyone’s already so sick of my shit.
Not drinking tonight. I binge-tasted the curry i made for boyfriend, had way more than i should have, but i’m not letting it spiral. just got home, had a miso soup (30 cal) and have stocked up on pickles and walden products for the remainder of the evening. NO ALCOHOL!!